My body: as real as it gets

I drink wine. I eat candy. I try to make healthy choices, but some days I don’t. I tend not to eat dairy as well as gluten, it makes me bloat and gassy. But sometimes I give into bread and cheese. I try to stay active. I like to run. It’s a stress reliever. I exercise a few times a week, but definitely not every day. I’ve learned that the body needs rest. I don’t count calories. I don’t diet even though sometimes I feel like I need too. Sometimes it’s hard to listen to my body and recognize if it’s full or hungry, sometimes it’s a struggle to not let my feelings and emotions control my food intake. Some days I feel fat. Some days I feel skinny. Some days I don’t even think about it and just be. But feelings are just feelings. They come and go, and many times they lie.

I have stretch marks all over my body. I have some on my legs and thighs from growing up and the ones on my belly are from my pregnancy. They used to be bright purple and red and now they are pretty pale. My bellybutton is no longer tight. My skin is loose and when I sit, I have rolls. My hips are wider and my boobs are bigger and they aren’t as perky as before. I find it harder to find well-fitting clothes but thank God for high waisted jeans. For a long time, I hated my hair, and people at school would make fun of me all the time. My teeth were not as pretty as they are today. My two front teeth had a major gap and being teased became a norm. I had an uncle who would stick his two front teeth out like a rabbit every time he greeted me. He meant it jokingly, but it made me self-conscious and uncomfortable. I always wished I had dimples on my lower back. I had this silly belief that only skinny people had back dimples. I’m 5’1 and always wished I could have grown a few more inches. And the list can go on and on with all these insecurities, these imperfections, these moments of self-rejection.

I know that if I stick to a harsh regimen I’m sure I could reach close to my “ideal body”, but for someone in recovery, the extremes and strictness are triggers and can set me back into destructive habits. So, I learned that my only way to living free, healthy and happy was to learn and practice daily acceptance. And even more, to accept the process of acceptance and daily healing. If that makes sense. I’ve let go of my strive for a perfect body, because I’ve realized how much I have to sacrifice and ultimately how impossible it is to reach. You end up wanting more, never being satisfied. It becomes a vicious and exhausting cycle. For many years, I threw my happiness, my peace, my confidence,  energy, time, money, relationships, family, mind and health out the window.

I am not what I used to be. And you know what…none of what society points out as “flaws” defines my beauty. None of it determines my worth.  They don’t measure my value or success in life. It does not make me less worthy or lovable. I feel beautiful, sexy and worthy, not because of what you or society says, but because self-acceptance and self- love have given me the freedom to feel confident, and has given my mind the freedom to choose truth or lies.

My success in recovery is not because I no longer struggle, but because I decide every day to try my best in being compassionate, loving and kind towards myself. I wake up deciding that my mind and false beliefs won’t control me today. And if I fail, I have the hope for a brand new tomorrow. Don’t loose hope. That’s my motto. Never loose hope. I’ve learned that your attitude, decision making and self-forgiveness determines your success in recovery.

Now let me tell you all the wonderful things about my body. My stomach was home to my daughter for 38 weeks and my milky boobs nourished her energy, food and love. My hips love to move when I hear a good song and I can dance pretty well. My arms love to give big hugs and my hands find themselves longing to hold my daughters face and snuggle my dogs. My fingers find peace in writing and they also enjoy cooking, especially for friends. My back is strong and though I am small, I feel mighty and can still carry my 8 year old daughter to her bed. My legs are strong and can run for miles and even though I eat tons of candy, my teeth are surprisingly not rotting. After many, many years of trial and error, I’ve learned to manage my curls, (thank you mama for not letting me permanently straighten my hair). Being short allows me to fit comfortably into spaces and sometimes my feet hang when chairs are too big, and  I like that it makes me feel like a little kid. My feet have taken me to many places and put me through tough experiences, but I don’t regret a thing because it has all brought meaning and purpose to my wounds and healing to soul.

I have learned that God molded my body beautifully and perfectly and he expects me to take care of it, but remember that you have a body, but you are much more than a body. What you should be protecting, investing, changing, growing, improving is not just your body, but most importantly your soul and mind.

To those people who made my feel that I’m only worth my body, to those who criticized my “flaws”, to the mother who judged and questioned me why I had lost myself for gaining so much my weight and told me I would never have my “great body back”, to the guy who told me I was no longer beautiful as “before”,  to the people who pressured me to change, to loose weight, to feel ashamed for accepting myself today. I forgive you.

 

With love and courage,

Claudia Calderón

 

 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14